If I believed in
by AbbyGibbs
Summary: James want to spend a night alone with his grief over M, but he doesn't stay alone for long.


**If only I believed in…**

 **Author:** AbbyGibbs

 **Fandom:** James Bond (Daniel Craig movies)

 **Pairing:** James Bond/M Olivia Mansfield.

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary: James want to spend a night alone with his grief over M, but he doesn't stay alone for long.**

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing. James Bond belongs to Ian Fleming…

 **A/N: This is my first attempt at a movie fandom, I am surprised it actually James Bond's and definitely inspired by one of Daniel Craig's performances. I'm not going to lie when I leaned it wasn't Pierce Brosnan anymore, I was disappointed and when I knew that Daniel Craig would take over, I was more than skeptical. No offence, but I couldn't quite picture him in Ian Fleming's character, I even refused to watch the movies at first…. But being a die-hard James Bond fan, I finally give it a try and well, let's say that only idiots don't change their minds and I'm no idiot so.**

 **Warning: This is un-beta'd.**

 **I apologize in advance for the mistakes grammatically or otherwise. If this idea is similar to someone else's I'm sorry. Remember, please it's my first attempt so, please, be nice. I'm nervous as it is.**

 **Feedbacks: well, I'd love them, of course – who wouldn't? But please, only if you respect my work because it takes a lot of time and energy to get a story together. I love writing; I wouldn't allow anyone to discourage me from doing so, never. I don't have any problems at all with readers who choose not to go for this, but I decidedly do with those who write disrespectful mails just because they didn't get the ending they would have wanted. If you want to tell me what I might have done better within the story I made up, you're always very welcome to let me know. But if your only concern is to rant about it, then please, do it in private, okay? Thank you.**

 **I only I believed in…**

I've done what you've asked me to do. The mission is completed successfully. I'm trying to move on, but the it's difficult, I feel cold so cold all the time.

I have something in my life now, but she isn't you and as much as I try I can't love her the way she deserves because she isn't you.

Why did you have to leave me behind? I realize now, I've never really loved anyone, because I loved you. You were the only woman I ever loved. I know it now. I think I've always known, but I didn't want to admit it.

I'm sure or better said I hope you knew I loved you M.

I foolishly wish I could turn back time so, I could stop Silva and save you to be able to hold you in my arms and kiss you senseless. And tell you that you are the one who made me feel whole again each time I laid eyes on her.

If I believed in God, I would ask him one thing and only one that he would bring you back to me.

I miss you so much it hurts M

I love you, I hope you know it wherever you might be.

James said the last three last sentences of his thoughts out lout of course, to no one in particular, because he was sitting alone in his apartment that was plunged into darkness or at least that's what he thought.

Tonight, he couldn't stay with Madeleine. She had asked him to, trying to bribe him even. Any other night he would probably have given in, but not tonight. Tonight, he wanted to alone. Alone with his grief.

Olivia's death had left such an emptiness into his life, he wondered how and if it would ever fill again. Not to mention the state of his heart or better said what was left of. Losing her had broken it in so many pieces that he knew it could never be repaired by anyone or anything.

"Maybe you should start believe in it." He heard a very familiar voice tell him.

James immediately reached for his gun, he knew that voice, but it was impossible, he couldn't hear it, he could never hear it again. It had been silenced forever.

He had felt life leave her when he'd held her in his arms. And yet. Standing up he went for the switch and the light bathed the room.

It took a few seconds for his eyes to get use to the lights after sitting in the darkness for quite a while.

His eyes went wide the moment, he saw the person standing there in his very own apartment in London. Why? How? He'd held her, cried when she died in arms and yet!

Bond slowly set his gun, on the coffee table. His eyes never leaving hers. He then slowly approached her, almost afraid that he went to close to her she'd disappear again. When James stood a few inches from her, he reached out and touch her cheek with slightly trembling finger. He couldn't help himself, he needed to confirm what his eyes were showing him. Not caring what she would think of his reaction.

"You're really here… it's really you…" He said in a raw voice as tears welled up in his eyes...

007 felt a myriad of feelings run through his body. From happiness, grief, relief to anger… anger for what she had put him through. He had lost so much already… so many people he'd cared about. Though, he knew she'd done it for the right reason, he couldn't accept that she didn't tell her plans, he thought she trusted him.

He was a trained agent after all, so why?

And yet despite his anger and hurt, he pulled her into a hug. His relief and happiness of her still being alive surpassed all his other feelings.

"Well, I glad to see you, too, Bond." She said as she hugged him back happily.

A moment later she felt his body shaken slight.

 _Wait was 007, James Bond crying?_ M's eyes widened at the realization.

She hugged him tighter, and one of her hand came to caress the back of his head.

"It's alright, my dear boy, I'm here now." She said softly before kissing his cheek. She had always fancied James, since the first time, they met but of course she had never told him that, quite the opposite even she did everything she could to push him away from her. Not that she though that he might try to seduce her or something, she was certain he wouldn't.

She did everything she could to push him away from her, playing the Ice Queen because she didn't trust herself and she was married after all at the time.

James didn't respond, he just kept sobbing. It was as if he couldn't stop, no that the tears and to float of feeling had been released it seemed impossible to stop.

M kissed his cheek again, before pulling back slightly so she could look at him. James's eyes were closed. This was the man, the real man under the mask, she saw now. She moved her hands her eyes to either side of his face and leaned in to place a kiss on his closed eyelids. Then her lips touched his nose, before she kissed the tears away from his face. Finally, she touched his lips. A tentative touch at first, she felt him tense immediately, but only of a few seconds before he responded to her, the kiss was tended at first but rapidly deepened.

One of her hands went to the back to his head and the other went to the small of his back. His hands did the same, one behind her head and the other when to her back as he pulled her even closer to him. Their deepened yet again, neither one of them wanting to stop they had waited too long for this to happened. Though Olivia wasn't sure she would ever admit that fact to the man she was kissing right now.

They eventually broke their kiss both in much need of oxygen. Their forehead resting together, their breathing ragged, but smiling.

After a moment, when she was certain she could speak, she told James:

"If I had known, I would have faked my death sooner."

The look of James' eyes hardened instantly. "Don't you dare pull that stunt on me ever again, M!" He told rather forcefully.

"James, I had no other choice." She said in the same tone he had used on her.

"I get that. You did you bloody job, I know! But what I have been through after I thought you were dead. I never want to go through that again. Never again through that pain and such a loneliness. I mean, know pain and loneliness, I can handle those feelings, it's part of being a 00, but never have felt them to such an extend level."

What she saw in his eyes as he said the words warmed her and broke her heart at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Bond." She said.

"Don't! Don't you dare play the Ice Queen card on me again…"

"What do you want me to do then?" She asked him in a softer voice.

"Just be the wonderful woman, you are, and love me the way I love you. And next that you have to fake your death, tell, you know I can put on a mask as a well as you do. Can you to do that?"

M smirk in response. "Yes, I can do that."

James smiled at her. "Perfect!" He said.

"Could you do something for me in exchange?""

"Anything."

"Kiss me."

James Bond, 007 was happy to oblige her.

The End

 **So, this is it. My first attempt, I hope, you like it at least a little bit.**


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